


Yearning For

by starrylitme



Category: Dangan Ronpa, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Friends With Benefits, Internal Conflict, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Possibly Unrequited Love, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-23
Updated: 2015-08-23
Packaged: 2018-04-16 17:19:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4633710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrylitme/pseuds/starrylitme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“If you want, you can use me to quell any of those unpleasant feelings you’d otherwise bottle up. You could even push me away and act like a victim. You could even hate me, too, if it pleases you. So I’ll ask you directly then, Hinata-kun. What are you going to do?”</p>
<p>Hinata doesn't understand a lot of things, both in regards to Komaeda and himself. Komaeda, of course, complicates this further with the offer of a dubious arrangement. But Hinata's not much better either, considering how he just goes along with it without really knowing why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Yearning For

**Author's Note:**

> I actually had most of this written for a while and just recently managed to finish it. I've actually forgotten what mindset I was in while writing and yeah. At least it's...interesting?
> 
> This was mostly inspired by something else of a similar title. Though Hinata is a bit more confusing with his situation. Komaeda's what you expect though. Maybe. Kinda. Not really.
> 
> At least it's interesting. I think.

When Hinata opened his eyes, the first thing he noticed is that this wasn’t his usual bed. The room was too white, the temperature too cold, the sheets too sterilized, and the air was too flowery. He also...

“Ha _ah_...”

He also wasn’t alone.

Komaeda emitted little warmth beside him, his body facing his and curling his limbs only slightly with his back to the wall. He’s on his side, and the sheet’s thin enough to where Hinata can barely make out where his hip curves into his thigh. More than that, he sees the shape of his shoulders peeking from the blankets, and how his right hand delicately grips the pillow with his left wrist partially buried underneath. The expression on his face is serene, with long, pale lashes barely twitching and parted lips moving ever so slightly to his soft breathing. Messy white hair frames his delicate face, colors almost muted in the dim light and making him appear almost ghostly if Hinata didn’t see the slight pink of his mouth and a hint of a redder tongue.

Hinata’s frozen at the sight, and his hand moves on its own to hover over Komaeda. His heart is pounding so loud he’s surprised Komaeda doesn’t even stir. Except he does and Hinata yanks his hand back and shuts his eyes tightly, and then...

Komaeda’s eyes flutter open and he pushes himself up with a high-pitched yawn. Hinata’s eyes open, too, and he stares up in awe as Komaeda gracelessly scratches at his scalp, getting his fingers stuck in a few tangles. Komaeda notices his not-subtle stare, and gives him a mild smile as he hops out of bed in a careful motion that avoids contact with him. “Good morning, Hinata-kun.”

“Good...?” It’s then Hinata notices he’s in his suit, the fabric horribly wrinkled from having been slept in and his face growing hot with confusion and embarrassment. “What...?”

“You don’t remember?” Komaeda laughs, face flushing a bit. “You passed out, Hinata-kun. Right out of nowhere! Have you been overworking yourself? You really shouldn’t do that.”

“I... What?” His head was spinning with the new information, and something felt wrong. Something felt incredibly, unsettlingly _wrong_. It only took a second for Hinata to remember why his stomach was sinking in on itself as Komaeda adjusted his shirt and hummed while doing so. “Wait... Wait, Komaeda...”

“Hinata-kun, I’m going to get breakfast,” he announces before flying to the door, gripping the knob and twisting it open. “You should make yourself presentable before someone else sees you.”

“Komaeda...!” But Komaeda shuts with door behind him with a firm click, just as Hinata stumbles out of the best, nearly tripping over the tangling sheets. He stares at the shut door, blinking rapidly and mind going a mile per minute.

It takes him a while to regain his bearings and give chase.

* * *

“Komaeda,” by the time he’s found the other again, Komaeda’s just started an apple and his plate only has crumbs from the toast dusting it. It annoys Hinata a bit more because he’s supposed to be eating _rice_. “Hey. I need to talk with you.”

“ _Hmm_?” Komaeda looks at him, gaze going up and down him in assessment— _no doubt taking in that Hinata’s only slightly presentable with a still wrinkled suit and hair only mildly tamed_ —as he takes a bite of his apple. He sucks at the juice so it doesn’t become a mess, and chews the piece he bites off carefully before swallowing.  “Oh, have I done something wrong? Shouldn’t _Naegi-kun_ be scolding me over you?”

The way he emphasizes the younger’s name is a lot more familiar to the stand-offish Komaeda he’s sadly more accustomed to nowadays, but Hinata doesn’t back down and instead locks his jaw.

“It’s over this morning. As much as I trust Naegi and the future foundation, this is personal.”

“ _Oh_ ,” Komaeda exhales, looking very unimpressed as his voice drags. “You don’t trust me? Or are you questioning my intentions? I promise you, Hinata-kun, it was nothing more than a whim. If it bothers you so, it won’t happen again. So you can leave me to eat in peace and we can get back to only discussing my... _recovery process_.”

“It... It isn’t like that...” Hinata isn’t as defensive as he should be and his chin tucks in a little against his chest. He hates how his voice wavers, especially with the way the tone makes Komaeda’s cold, gray-green eyes narrow. “Komaeda, I just... I’ve been...”

“Hinata-kun, you’ve been tired lately, haven’t you?” The sudden question catches him completely off-guard. Komaeda still has that same, frosty, sardonic stare and Hinata’s own eyes slowly begin to widen. Then Komaeda’s lips begin to twist into a smirk. “It must be hard—constantly having to work and smile and pretend like the world isn’t crumbling beneath your feet. But bottling such things isn’t healthy—you mustn’t be so _careless_. However, it’s not like I don’t understand.”

He licked a stripe of juice from the apple off his wrist, and for a moment Hinata was distracted at the contrast of his surprisingly pink tongue against the bluish white of his skin. Komaeda’s expression twists when he notices the stare, and Hinata’s face grows hot.

“Hi _na_ ta- _kun_ ,” The sing-song lilt to his tone almost makes the situation feel like gross satire, and Hinata can’t help but wonder why he hasn’t left yet or even gotten angry, for that matter. As Komaeda smiles, he can’t even tell if what he felt right now was apprehension or excitement. “We both know as you are, there’s only so much you can do. It’s not like you’re Kamukura-kun anymore.”

_That_ snapped him out of it.

“You don’t have to bring that up,” he told Komaeda in a low, near dangerous tone. “Things have _changed_ —we both know they have. So there’s no point in dwelling.”

“Is there?” Komaeda asks, and he lifts his stump of a wrist. There’s a sudden ugliness to his usual beatific smile but it’s so quick and fleeting that he might have imagined it. Then Komaeda let his wrist fall back to his lap, out of sight and out of mind. “But I was just _saying_ —don’t you think you ought not to take on so much like that? Take a break—let _loose_ , do whatever it is people over their head tend to do to make things less _overwhelming_.”

His heart was pounding hard against his chest, and Hinata wondered how far his blush reached down his neck and ears. “What exactly...are you propositioning? And what’s _in it_ for you?”

“Maybe I want to find a way to help you for helping me wake up finally free from _that woman_. Maybe I want to return the favor for your kindness and understanding? Maybe I’m a disgusting creature trying to _taint_ you because I can’t stand the sight of you standing so high and bright above me when you’re supposed to be _below my feet_.” Komaeda set down his apple, daintily wiping his hand off his hospital gown. “Take your pick for my motive, Hinata-kun—it could be _any_ of them.”

“ _Komaeda_...” he warned, feeling his hands tighten into fists and start to shake.

“As for what I’m merely _suggesting_ ,” Komaeda continues, pushing himself up and stumbling a bit. Then he presses a finger to his lips—and moved the same hand to rest his digits over Hinata’s own parted mouth. He doesn’t flinch—only stills—and Komaeda’s grin is sly as he pull away and says to him before going on his way, “I’ll let you decide that too, okay Hinata-kun? Don’t let a thing like _me_ determine everything.”

* * *

Hinata gets it, after he throws the apple away. He gets it and he wonders why he isn’t _disgusted_.

But he _is_ ashamed—for whatever that counts for. He puts Komaeda’s plate away, trying not to imagine Komaeda having difficulty getting the crumbs off before he saw him. He also tries not to remember the look on Komaeda’s face when he caught his stare.

He’s definitely ashamed for _that_ , at least.

However, he’s still weak enough to walk into the room he knows is Komaeda’s after the doctors and nurses’ scheduled check-ups.

* * *

“Thank you,” Komaeda’s gratitude is sincere when Hinata hands him a bottle of water to swallow down the pills. His smile, however, is stiff and a bit unsure. Even though he should have expected him—Hinata considers maybe Komaeda had given him the benefit of the doubt.

“So...” he begins, voice dragging.

“So,” Komaeda says, reaching out and gripping the curtain hanging beside his bed. “I’ll pull the curtain so that the camera doesn’t see _everything_.”

Hinata watches him do so, his smile widening as he did. When he turns back to Hinata and adjusts his seat on the bed, Hinata’s mouth is dry as he can’t help but ask. “What’s going to happen?”

“That depends, but it’s strange that you’d listen to me so readily despite not knowing yet.” His legs swing a bit, and his gaze isn’t rising to meet Hinata’s—it’s still low and on the ground. He looks sheepish—and it’s difficult to think of him as scheming as it tends to be. But Hinata’s not so naïve he’d fully trust someone he could easily and psychically overpower. Komaeda probably returned that sentiment for entirely different reasons, as daunting as it was. “You must be used to that sort of thing?”

Hinata’s not going to think about the implications as Komaeda just curiously hums. “Hinata-kun, are you really alright?”

He’s also not going to answer, instead letting Komaeda continue. “If you want, you can use me to quell any of those unpleasant feelings you’d otherwise bottle up. If you find yourself uncomfortable or unable... It’s fine...” His finger rests on his lips again, the expression on his face almost demure. “You could always just push me away and act like a victim. You could even hate me, too, if it pleases you. So I’ll ask you directly then, Hinata-kun. What are you going to do?”

Hinata opened his mouth but nothing came out. Komaeda grew a bit more coaxing, scooting back a bit on his bed and smiling a bit wider. “If it’s you, Hinata-kun, I don’t mind whatever you choose to do to me.”

He said that once. Before. On the island. But Hinata can’t remember—instead he follows the other’s lead, hands going to cup Komaeda’s delicate face, and leaning forward to kiss him lightly on his pale pink lips. His eyes shut tight for the moment, and when he pulls back, Komaeda’s smile remains and his head tilts.

“Was that so hard? Do you feel better now, Hinata-kun?”

“No,” Hinata only croaks before pressing another kiss to his mouth. It’s only a little longer, but leads into another that has Komaeda dutifully return.

He asked if he felt better again, _maybe_ , but Hinata never says he does.

_“Maybe next time,”_  Komaeda may or may not have said.

In the meantime, Hinata also never figures out how to admit how much of a first this all is for him.

* * *

The reports come in a bit easier—from the noted improvements of the 77th batch’s condition to condensed news about the outside world that the Future Foundation let him see. Hinata knows organization by heart with how often he sorts through work.

A couple of doctors talked to him about the 77th batch— _Tsumiki’s finally started to smile, Owari’s well on her way to being as healthy as a horse, the SHSL Imposter_ —Hinata takes in the information with a dutiful ear. Though when Komaeda comes up, it’s mostly about his medication and his...condition. No one really likes discussing Komaeda, and it’s not a surprise.

Komaeda is tiring, even when... _especially_ when he’s trying to be helpful. But lately, just _thinking_ about Komaeda’s smile— _his quivering lips as Hinata gently nipped at them_ —was exhausting. Then there were memories—momentary flashes that took him off guard and caused him to brace himself against the wall and reach up to make sure his hair was still short, still a bit spiky.

They had lessened as more of the batch woke up, but in frequency not intensity.

“Here,” Souda’s voice snapped him out of his daze. When had he even...? Ah, that didn’t matter now. He was offering a drink and Hinata took it greedily. “Another slow day, huh?”

“Slow...” Hinata agreed with a mumble, sipping at his drink. Sweet. Melon-flavored. He must have got it from the vending machine in the hallway to the left—third door on the right. Hinata’s frown deepened. “It could be worse, I suppose. Paperwork is tedious, but it’s not...troubling.”

“Yeah, we have _you know who_ for that—though he’s getting better. I think. Can’t ever tell with him.” Souda sighed, folding his arms behind his head and oblivious to Hinata’s tightening fingers around his beverage. “But Sonia-san’s been making progress with the others, of course—as expected from her.”

“ _Everyone’s_ been making progress,” Hinata reminds him.  He doesn’t bother to clearly include Komaeda. “Naegi believes we might be readier for the outside world sooner than expected.”

“The real question though is if the world’s ready for _us_.”  Hinata doesn’t comment as he stands, and Souda gives him a cheeky grin he only partially returns. “Speaking of Naegi, I need to talk to him about something top secret. I’d love to tell you, but you know.”

“I’ll let Naegi know,” he responds. He already knows Naegi’s agenda— _it’s almost as constant as everything else_ —so it wouldn’t be too hard to find him for Souda’s sake. It’d be fine.

Souda wishes him luck, though, and suddenly Hinata thinks it _won’t_ be.

* * *

It’s difficult to separate Komaeda from luck after all.

It’s only to be expected that when Hinata found Naegi, Komaeda would already be there cheerily conversing.

He can’t see Naegi’s expression— _but he can imagine it: a polite, unassuming smile and open_ friendliness _oozing from every pore_ —but Komaeda’s smile is bright and he even gestures with his good hand while his other arm is braced against the wall. There’s an easiness there that’s not unlike when they first met— ** _after_** _the boat, Kamukura’s twisted meeting didn’t count_ —and something about how Komaeda attentively stops when Naegi responds to one of his statements, expression eager and receptive... Hinata’s gut twists.

Then Komaeda nearly slips and Naegi moves to steady him—and Hinata sees clear as day the way Komaeda’s snowy pale face colors just the slightest bit.

“Oh, Hinata-kun?”

He also sees clearly how the blush immediately wanes when Komaeda spots him, and he sees how that easy, carefree smile twists. Naegi turns in slight surprise but kindly greets him as Hinata comes forward in a way that only makes him feel _more_ off.

“Is something wrong, Hinata-kun?” It’s actually strange, now that he notices. Despite the different physiques and the different all around aura, Naegi’s voice isn’t that much different than Komaeda’s—it’s warmer, of course, and not as breathy, but it’s still soft, still polite. Still...a nice sound. “Did you want to speak to me or...?”

“Souda,” Hinata says immediately without skipping a beat. “Souda...wanted to speak to you. I’ll take Komaeda back to his room, if it’s not too much trouble.”

Komaeda frowns—almost pouts where Hinata can blatantly see, and quickly smiles again when Naegi turns and asks, “Is that alright? If you wanted to talk a bit more, Komaeda-kun, I can...”

“Oh, no, Naegi-kun, I think Hinata-kun and I are going to be talking next.” Then his gaze rises back to Hinata, knowing and a bit expectant. “Won’t we, Hinata-kun?”

Even though he said what he did without thinking, Hinata can only mutely nod. Naegi accepts this and leaves, and Hinata only gives him a brief glance.

He doesn’t want to miss the look of fondness on Komaeda’s face as he watches the other go.

* * *

“If you like _him_ , why do you do these things with me?” The question is a bit harsh, but Komaeda doesn’t seem too bothered and instead nuzzles into Hinata’s thigh. The second Hinata sat down, Komaeda laid his head down on his lap. Hinata couldn’t bring himself to shove the other off. “Komaeda, answer the question.”

“Mm, I’m not sure what you’re so worried about, Hinata-kun. Whatever feelings I have won’t be reciprocated anyway—so isn’t it moot? Or are you just being considerate?” Komaeda smiled up at him, and his hand goes to rest against his hip. “You should know, though, I’m not such a position. Or are you _jealous_? After all, you’re no longer...”

Hinata snatches his hand off of him. “ _Don’t_.”

“Oh, okay,” Komaeda twists up, wrapping his legs around his waist and his arm around his neck. It’s a bit awkward, especially with the way Hinata’s gripping his hand, but his smile isn’t twisted in the slightest bit of discomfort. Instead, it only widens as Komaeda leans in to nestle against the slope of his neck. “If you want.”

Komaeda grinds into him with a soft pant, pressing himself closer and pulling his hand from Hinata’s loosening grasp to thread his fingers through dark brown spikes.

Hinata can’t help but respond, wrapping his arms around the other in return and shutting his eyes as heat pools in his groin. Suddenly, Komaeda whispers in his ear in soft puffs against the sensitive lobe.

“Do you _want_ this?” he asks, nipping at his ear. “ _Don’t_ you want this, Hinata-kun?”

Hinata doesn’t even hesitate.

* * *

Komaeda reminds him of almost porcelain—despite the fact that his pale skin is more of a cause for _worry_ than beauty to be admired. But like porcelain, once cracked, the marks stand out stark against the white. Though for Komaeda, he wouldn’t be so aware of the scars if his hands weren’t running up against his torso.

“Komaeda,” The sounds Komaeda makes are high-pitched little gasps, but they’re no less flustering to hear. Hinata’s hands knead at his sides, and the body beneath his trembles with hips jerking against his own. Hinata can’t help but groan his name again, “ _Komaeda_...”

Komaeda’s face is flushed and inviting, and he reaches for Hinata to loop his arms around his neck to get a kiss. Hinata’s breathless and mildly impressed.

_So even Komaeda has a side of him like this...?_ He wonders, partially considering to voice the thoughts—just to see if Komaeda would get a little embarrassed at the statement. He decides against it though, and his hand traces the curve from his hip to his thigh. Komaeda squirms—so clearly eager. _It’s shameless._

“You’re beautiful, you know,” Hinata murmurs, pulling him closer and pressing a kiss to his forehead. “You’re beautiful like this.”

Komaeda’s smile is lovely and his fingers are gentle as they trace Hinata’s jaw. “Just don’t forget, Hinata-kun,” he purrs, lips tracing the curve of his cheek. “If this is what you need—don’t hesitate. Don’t hesitate if you need anything else, either.”

Hinata sucks in his breath as Komaeda rocks against him. Still offering. Still _inviting_. “Whether you take me, break me, or anything else... Whatever your disdain for me shall be, Hinata-kun, just don’t forget. _Please_ don’t forget.”

Hinata blinks once, and his only response is to kiss him quiet.

* * *

Komaeda had always been unfamiliar, frightening territory. With twisted smiles and innocent gazes, there was always something _else_ lurking, something more _unknown_ and something more daunting. Before the trial, though, Hinata had just thought him to be wishy-washy and nothing more about it.

There was more to it—far more. No matter what though, no matter how far he tried to dig, there always seemed to be something Komaeda kept under wraps where Hinata couldn’t see but could still _sense_. Something that existed _enough_ to spark his paranoia and dread.

At least, that’s how it had been on the island, when he still maintained a delicate strand of humanity that kept him from dancing right into the vicinity of atrocity. Then... Then he killed himself— _trying to get them all killed with him_ —and Hinata’s not sure what happened to that brittle mental state between his death on the island and his waking up in the pod.

When Komaeda woke up, he had been in a partial daze and state of confusion. He remembered the island first—and was at a loss as to why he wasn’t dead. He actually didn’t recognize Hinata, at first, and when Hinata re-introduced himself, he couldn’t help but feel slight relief that recognition sparked in Komaeda’s gaze. Recognition that was soon followed by a soft murmur of his name.

Then Komaeda remembered everything before the island—and Hinata doesn’t think he ever heard a scream so loud. Nor one filled with such _despair_.

* * *

“Komaeda-kun’s relationship with you hasn’t been giving you trouble, has it?”

Hinata freezes in fear. Naegi only sighs, taking the files from his hands and despite being shorter, not to mention looking at him _sympathetically_ —for a second Hinata was stupidly intimidated. He also thought, a bit in sickening realization— _the curtain is **not** that thick_. It only allows for a _minimal_ amount of privacy—not a lot.

But Naegi isn’t judging him because of _course_ he wouldn’t judge. Naegi looked past them being _terrorists_ , for fuck’s sake. Naegi was that kind of person—and everyone knew that.

Even Komaeda...knew that.

Hinata’s chest twisted. “It’s fine. It’s complicated, because it’s _Komaeda_. But it’s fine. He hasn’t attempted anything, so... It’s fine.”

But the more he said it, the less sure he felt. Naegi seemed to share the sentiment, even if he graciously didn’t voice it. “It shouldn’t be my business talking about this, Hinata-kun,” Naegi starts in a tone that really does remind him of Komaeda’s. “But given the situation, I can’t help but worry. Komaeda-kun’s anything but a bad person—but his stability is...in a rough spot. His condition is very _sensitive_.”

As if Hinata didn’t know. That didn’t explain why he still felt going along with that proposal was a good idea, though. Perhaps he was just as crazy as Komaeda. _Perhaps_... “I might be losing my mind, too, Naegi.”

“Hinata-kun?” Naegi’s frown is deep, worried, and he turns attentively to him. “What’s wrong?”

“I...” _I never done any of those things before and yet with Komaeda, I didn’t hesitate. Komaeda says those things and my response is to kiss him quiet. Komaeda’s unpredictable—he’s frightening, and I still keep him close. I still don’t know **how** he feels—if he’s even serious... I don’t understand him **at all** and I still..._ “I need to go.”

“Hinata-kun?” Hinata ignores him, brushing past and apologizing for his trouble. Naegi doesn’t call after him—but Hinata’s not going to dare look back to see that pure look of concern Naegi would openly, _sincerely_ show on his face.

He’d break down then and there if he did.

* * *

“There are still times where I don’t know if I’m still me or not,” Hinata says, loudly and voice echoing across the room and in the recesses of his mind. “There are still times where I _know_ things— _for but a moment_ —things that I _shouldn’t_ know. And yet...”

Komaeda looked at him in confusion, tilting his head like a curious bird. “Hinata-kun?”

“The things I do _want_ to know that I don’t... I _never_ know... I never, _ever_ know...” Hinata looks at him— _looks_ at him with hard red eyes, and Komaeda seems almost still with surprise. It occurs to Hinata, ruefully, that Komaeda never had the chance to see him like this. He wasn’t _there_. “You weren’t there. You don’t understand.”

Komaeda doesn’t answer, but he has that look of at a loss. Before Hinata can think twice, he reaches out to grasp him lest he slips away. Komaeda frowns, and Hinata can’t help but recall what Naegi said about him. _That he’s not a **bad** person—he’s just **unstable** , his condition is **sensitive** so I can’t just... _ “I don’t know what I’m doing, Komaeda.”

“It’s fine,” Komaeda says, and Hinata can only press their lips together desperately. He presses hard, and when he pulls away, Komaeda has to take a deep breath and smile with a slight redness to his cheeks. “It’s fine, Hinata-kun. Just do as you want.”

_I don’t know what I want. I don’t know. I want to, but I don’t. I..._

“I’ll be gentle,” he promises, pushing Komaeda down onto the bed, kissing his cheek and temple as he reaches over to yank the curtain over. “I’ll try... I swear I’ll try.”

Komaeda giggles, kissing the corner of his mouth. “Whatever you want, Hinata-kun.”

* * *

Hinata’s not sure if this is really what he wants. Preparation is almost as nervewhacking as it is terrifying, even as he tries to go slow in stretching his fingers. Komaeda’s pliancy makes it easier, and there’s something about the way his toes curl that has Hinata bury his fingers in a little deeper and just _breathe_.

But Komaeda’s eyes roll back, and he cries out his name—his face starts to flush starts to get _wanting_ , and Hinata falls in just a bit further as he pulls his fingers out so that they can properly fuck.

Komaeda doesn’t dig in his fingers like Hinata does— _though his gut churns at the idea of adding to Komaeda’s bruise count_ —but he pulls him close, even as Hinata thrusts deep inside of him. The pretty sounds he makes only edge Hinata on further.

The sound of his surname within wheezy gasps and moans mixes with the tight warmth around him—and Hinata would be content if he could just lose himself in _this_ and nothing else.

* * *

Afterwards, Komaeda practically sleeps _on_ him. Hinata’s arm is wrapped around his waist and Komaeda is curled over his chest like he’s a pillow. He’s snoring a bit softly—and sometimes he drools—and _really_ , it’s like the two of them are lovers.

Lovers. _Oh_.

Whatever glow there had been from the sex dissipates with that thought, replaced with a gaping, slowly encompassing emptiness. Even as Komaeda cuddles to get closer—it’s because Hinata is warm and he’s cold. It’s a simple reason—grossly _simple_.

The reason why Hinata takes longer than he should have to crawl out...isn’t so simple.

He has to be careful in pushing Komaeda off of him, because he doesn’t want the other to wake. Somehow he manages, adjusting Komaeda’s head so that it’s on a pillow instead of over his heart, and tugging the blanket until his bare shoulder is covered. Komaeda sighs once, and Hinata stiffens—but then Komaeda settles into his pillow, breathing steady and slumber still evident.

There’s still that ethereal prettiness to him—one that Hinata saw before and didn’t want to dwell too much on. But it’s still surprising that Komaeda looks so serene in sleep.

_When he wakes up, I wonder how that’s going to change..._ Hinata wonders before leaning in on impulse and pressing a kiss to the other’s forehead. _I wish it wouldn’t._

_I wish you’d just stay asleep forever, Komaeda. I almost wish you never woke up in the first place._

With that awful thought, he leaves without so much as another sound.

* * *

“Hey, Naegi...” Hinata calls as he opens the door. Kirigiri looks up from the table, gaze cool and stoic. Naegi isn’t there. She is.

“Is something wrong, Hinata-kun?” she asks the same way Naegi would.

Hinata tenses—his paranoia kicks in and he feels _exposed_ —cut open with all disgusting bits oozing out under Kirigiri’s perceptive stare for her to dig through and completely strip him to the bone. She could pick him apart so _easily_ — _the former SHSL Sleuth..._

“If you don’t want to tell me,” Kirigiri says, reading his face like a book and averting her eyes from the rest. “You don’t have to. It’s fine, Hinata-kun.”

He could almost hear Naegi echo that in his head— _it’s fine, Hinata-kun_ —but Komaeda would say that, too... Though the two had completely ideas on what the word ‘fine’ meant—they’d mean it all the same. That was _fine_. Except it wasn’t.

“Did you want to speak to Naegi-kun?” Kirigiri asks, giving him a soft, sympathetic look that just made Hinata want to wither further.

“I-I... Please?”

She nods and heads out simply and easily. Hinata remains rooted to the ground as she brushes past him, mind going a mile per minute with his heart racing for good measure. It isn’t until he hears Naegi call out his name that he’s able to separate himself.

* * *

“What even _is_ it?” he asks, and when Naegi looks a bit confused, he continues without missing a beat. “He likes you—Komaeda, I mean. He _likes_ you, and _you_ ... I don’t know how you feel about that—do you even _know_?”

“Oh,” Naegi exhales. He goes from confusion to sympathy. “Oh, Hinata-kun.”

“How _else_ is Komaeda even keeping himself sane right now?” Hinata’s voice is getting louder and that increasingly worried look on the other’s face isn’t helping him. “It makes sense, _doesn’t it_? He can’t trust _me_ —the person who started the whole disaster and any of his other classmates—out of the question. Not just because _they_ don’t trust _him_ , but they’re all former SHSL Despair. He _hates_ despair but he can’t just be _alone_. Who better for him to turn to than someone known as _SHSL Hope_ —?”

“Hinata-kun,” Then suddenly Naegi stills him with his hands on his shoulders. “Don’t lose yourself.”

Hinata sees his reflection in Naegi’s firm gaze and he feels his temple— _beneath his scars_ —throb. If he looks hard enough, he can tell his eyes are a darker shade of red than usual and he wants to shut them tightly. Naegi’s grip on his shoulders give a reassuring squeeze and Hinata only feels more detached at the action.

“I don’t know why. I don’t understand why I...” His voice breaks off, and he feebly tightens his lips. He feels them tremble, but he’s also tired. So tired. He almost wants to yawn—and how messed up is _that_? “What’s even gotten into me?”

“Your situation’s delicate, too,” Naegi says to him softly, in a voice that could have been designed to pacify abused animals if it weren’t so _sincere_. “Take it easy, Hinata-kun. I don’t expect the world from you—no one here does.”

Except it was hard to shake off expectations like that when they existed before. Expectations that felt like they still existed in some metaphysical sense and he still felt their weight on his back. Hinata couldn’t help but remember it like that—and how he crumbled beneath it.

“I’m sorry,” he says instead because somehow, Naegi saying that it’s okay _after_ he spills his guts would only make things worse. He can’t help but bitterly wonder if Komaeda feels this way towards the younger as well— _you should know, though, I’m not in such a position_ —and his tenseness fades just a little. “I’m really sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Naegi’s smile is soft and reassuring, but it reminds him of Komaeda again. He really doesn’t understand it. “Just take all the time you need to recover, Hinata-kun.”

“Komaeda...” Hinata stops as he starts. But just the name is enough to have Naegi respond just as easily.

“I’m doing what I can to help with Komaeda-kun, too. There’s nothing to it other than that. I can’t speak for Komaeda-kun, though, Hinata-kun.”

_Right... That’s right._

“Alright,” he says. “Except...”

“Even though he’s going through some difficulty,” Naegi, for once, cuts him off as his hands draw back. “Komaeda-kun still cares about you, Hinata-kun. But as for what he expects... Do you want me to ask? Do you want Kirigiri-san to find out?”

Hinata can’t consider it. “No.”

“Hinata-kun...” Is he pleading? Hinata can’t tell—nor does he want to. He still doesn’t hesitate.

“No.” He doesn’t even add ‘it’s fine’ or any pacifying bullshit. He half-hopes Naegi tells him off or scolds him for it so that it feels a little more _wrong_.

Naegi gives him a look— _one that_ does _make the situation feel that way, like it’s **wrong**_ —but there’s nothing else. So it ends up not being enough.

“If you say so,” Naegi replies, but is gracious enough to add. “Just don’t overdo it. I’m not as lenient as Komaeda-kun is.”

Hinata’s only half-grateful for _that_.

* * *

“Good morning, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda greets him with a yawn as he shuffles in a bit stiffly. His gaze is bright, his grin a little cheeky and Hinata wonders if the other can read ‘tiredness’ all over his face. Hinata wasn’t good at wearing a mask.

He wasn’t _anymore,_ more accurately.

“Hey Komaeda,” soon he’s reaching, tracing his fingers along the other’s jaw until his hand cups the nape of his neck. His forehead presses to Komaeda’s, and with his other hand, he parts the silvery white strands from his face. “I’m sorry.”

Komaeda blinks at him but widens his smile and leans in a bit with parted lips. An open invitation Hinata can’t help but take, though he bites a bit at Komaeda’s soft mouth so that it swells. He doesn’t wince—his smile doesn’t even twitch and could even be called _teasing_. “Insatiable, aren’t we?”

“It’s more to it than that,” Hinata pushes himself away, only briefly and averting his gaze in a short show of guilt. “You’re seriously making me feel really _bad_.”

“Do you dislike me then, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda doesn’t miss a beat, and he asks the question so brightly one could replace ‘dislike’ with...something else. Not _‘love’_ , not really, but... “I do hope you aren’t misunderstanding me though—that’d be quite saddening!”

_I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever understand someone like you. If I say that—will you get angry? Or will you keep smiling and hide any resignation you’ll have? But after everything—wouldn’t giving up be humiliating? You hate that. Still, what is this...?_

“I like you.”

“Aah, really?” Komaeda laughs as he leans into Hinata’s hand, nuzzling against his palm, responding as he’s kissed once, twice, and then he’s pinned down against the bed, soft under his weight. Komaeda giggles as Hinata nips at the lobe of his ear. His robes are already being pulled from his shoulders. “Hinata-kun, your sense of humor is... _astounding_ at a time like this.” He jolts a bit when hands start to roam, head lolling as his eyelashes flutter and he goes on, “So...some people may misinterpret so I’d be more ca- _a_ -reful if I were you.... After all, misunderstandings can lead to rifts between you and others—”

“Komaeda,” Hinata’s breath puffed hot against his ear, those burning hands taking his shoulders to give a tight squeeze before cupping his face and turning it so he could meet the other’s gaze. Komaeda’s gray-greens seem dazed before he perks, something flickering in those irises as Hinata strokes the curve of his cheeks with his thumbs, brushing back ivory strands from his face. “I really _like_ you.”

Pale lips part but remain still, and the silence weighs on him as he asks, far more bitter than he intended. “Do you even _understand_?”

Komaeda’s gaze lowers then, almost like he does. Hinata thinks of that bright smile with Naegi, the fond stare, the way his face had flushed— _clinging to Hinata, calling out his name_ —and he finds that he’s shaking. Komaeda remains still.

“I-I like you...” He stammers it this time. “Komaeda, I... Please...”

“Please what?” It’s a bit of a surprise how blank Komaeda’s question is. “Hinata-kun, please get off of me.”

He does, practically scrambles to do so. His face feels burning hot with humiliation, his hands are clammy, and he can’t even look at Komaeda as he sits up and fixes his robe back into place. Komaeda doesn’t seem to want to look his way either, and that just makes his chest twist up even more.

“Hinata-kun,” Komaeda begins and he sighs. “You completely misunderstood me.”

“Have?” he quietly questions, still shaking. “I don’t want to; I want to understand you, Komaeda, and you make it so difficult.”

“Ah, well, that can’t be helped...” Komaeda was so flippant about it; he couldn’t help but get hysterical.

“Can’t it? _Seriously_?” Desperately, he reaches for him only to have Komaeda pushing his hands back. It’s a weak action—but one that has him pull away like he’d been burned, his voice lowering, bitterly saying. “You’re so _full_ of it.”

“Am I?” he wonders in a way that’s beyond infuriating, tapping a finger to his lips with a thoughtful expression. “Well, I respectfully disagree, Hinata-kun. Because after all, it’s not like you _know_ me.”

“You’re in love with Naegi, aren’t you?” Hinata asks coldly, severely. “Because there’s really no one else except me. And you _resent_ me. Even all this—this fooling around—it’s fostering resentment. You’re trying to get me to hate you too—or something like that...”

“...Is that really how it’s felt?” Komaeda’s all quiet, all soft enough to be unassuming. But he’s looking away in a way that could be construed as ashamed. “All those blissful moments between the sheets and that’s what you think it’s for after all? _Aah_ , Hinata-kun, that’s so heartless of you, just like with...”

“It’s not going to work. I’m not that guy anymore.” Hinata huffs, harsh and in a hot puff of air. “I’m just some idiot who’s managed to fall for you in spite of everything. I _like_ you—and I intend on making that clear here and now. So what you’re planning isn’t going to work. I’ll guarantee it.”

Komaeda doesn’t say anything. He lowers his hand to rest it against the sheets, his head hanging low with the most unreadable of expressions. Hinata, swallowing, takes the chance to once again reach for him, tilting that face towards his own, and, squeezing his eyes tightly, pressing his lips against the other’s.

It was tense, still, with neither of them really responding past that initial contact. It got under his skin enough that Hinata found himself biting Komaeda’s lower lip, tasting how it swelled between his teeth. He only pulled back to push Komaeda down, hands once again going for his robe, tugging it from his shoulders, and sinking his lips into the skin revealed from that slim shoulder to that sharp clavicle.

The body beneath his tenses up a bit, but he can also feel how it breathes under him how if he traced his fingers along those exposed ribs, he could almost sense the thrumming heartbeat right below his fingertips. It was beating so quickly, like it could burst out and into his hands at any moment, and Hinata nuzzles against that ribcage.

Then he moves upwards, trailing his lips against the sternum to that a thin neck, nipping along the pulse of that pale throat... And he bites when he feels a shiver; because that means that particular spot must be _sensitive_.

“...Stop...”

He stilled with his teeth still in that skin, impulsively biting hard enough to bruise. His eyes flew open, blinking a few times, not sure if he really registered...

“Just...stop, Hinata-kun. No more.”

Hinata pushes himself off, eyes wide, taking in the sight of Komaeda turned away from him into his hand, the palm pressed into his mouth, the quiver that goes through him. “Ko...maeda?”

“It’s no good,” he muttered, muffled into that hand and then with the stump of his bandaged wrist he tried to push himself up. Impulsively, Hinata helps pulling him up, and that causes him to hiss, “No good at _all_.”

“I... Sorry...” Hinata keeps his hands to himself finally, watching painfully and guiltily as Komaeda tensely pulled his robe back together again, and stood from the bed on slightly stumbling legs. Hinata does all he can to keep himself from reaching again, but his voice still comes out, unsure. “Hey, Komaeda?”

Komaeda’s grip tightened on the fabric of his robe, where he was pulling at the collar. Hinata sighed, and then went on...

“Naegi can keep me away from you, if you want. Maybe, just maybe, you could open up to him instead.” He stiffens, and Hinata overlooks it, his words lowering in tone. “You could even act like a _victim_. Naegi already sees you as one, along with everyone else.”

Komaeda shoots him a glare, lower lip between his teeth.  Then, slowly, he turns back away and lets of a heavy enough sigh that his shoulders slump. “Unlike you, Naegi-kun sees through me quite easily. It’s part of why I like him, after all, and why I can’t say anything.”

It stings. “Huh.”

“Hinata-kun, you really don’t understand.” With that, he stands, wrapping his thin arms tightly around himself. “But to be honest, I don’t, either. I had gone over every possibility for what would happen and—well, this wasn’t a thought I entertained for very long. A situation like this—I don’t know what to do with it, whether it’s good luck or bad luck. It’s too complicated.”

He was right about one thing. Hinata didn’t understand at all.

“What were you expecting in conditions like these?” he asked quietly, though it’s loud enough for Komaeda to hear; for him to respond with a brief twitch. “That I, what—just use you until I got bored? Come on, Komaeda, you know me better than that.”

“Do I?” Komaeda was even quieter, barely audible. “I _should_ , shouldn’t I?”

“Komaeda...”

“Don’t say my name like that.”

“Komaeda, you don’t doubt what I said, right? That I like you?”

“Stop saying it.”

“Komaeda...”

“I said _stop_!” The exclamation was sudden enough to make him flinch, to falter completely when he sees that Komaeda’s shaking, shaking all over and shaking his head from side to side. “There’s only so much of this kind of _intimacy_ I can take.”

He practically spat the word out as though it was filthy, and then he went on, sneering. “ _Like_ me, you say—you’re _ridiculous_ , Hinata-kun. What are you hoping to achieve?”

Hinata doesn’t even hesitate in his answer. “Understanding, I guess.”

Komaeda looks towards him, wide-eyed and vulnerable in a way he had never been before. Swallowing, he cracks a bitter smile, shrugging. Komaeda blinks at him and then he scoffs before breaking into little giggles against his hand.

“Understanding, you say,” he repeats, amused and broken before heading to the door and turning to him with the widest of grins. “I’m going to one of the washrooms. I’ve just been hit with a bout of nausea, you see. Hinata-kun, I’ll be seeing you if I can.”

“I...Is that it?” Hinata asked, still rooted in his seat and digging his clenching fingers into the sheets. “You’re not going to _talk_ to me?”

Komaeda’s smile fell from his face. “Hinata-kun. The most I wanted to hear from you was a bunch of sweet nothings, but when it comes to things that actually _mean_ something, I can’t say I feel the same anymore. I know I don’t. You should have just stuck to _staying_ a nothing.”

With a slow hand, he wrapped his fingers around the knob of the door, gaze flickering from him to that bandaged stub of a wrist. It was like the realization came in a sudden burst then, his eyes widening and responding impulsively and verbally with a call of that name—“Komaeda Nagito!”

“Enough, Hinata-kun.” Komaeda looked so exhausted now. Had he always been that way? All this time? “I’m tired. And sick. I need to leave this room for the moment. I guess if you stay here waiting, I’ll have no choice but to get confronted by you when I return, but... Can you _not_ do that? Please?”

Hinata flinched back, uneasy, upset, but still—“Wait, wait, please, Komaeda...”

“You can think of me whatever you like. It matters little to me.” He says it smoothly, like it’s as dull as it is easy. “None of this was supposed to mean anything. And it doesn’t. Not at all. Not at all.”

Hinata’s eyes slowly grow wide, and he remains still, gaze sweeping down to the floor, past the wiry frame of a boy who would wreak so much despair with a calm smile on his face. He was calmly smiling even now, but it wasn’t reaching his eyes. Those were blank. He wished they weren’t.

He wished, more than anything, that he could just get up, walk over there and pull Komaeda in close. That maybe somehow having him in his arms in a way that wasn’t on the bed would somehow make all these confused, jagged pieces fall into place. He wished for stuff like that a lot.

Worthless. Such wishes were ultimately worthless.

“Komaeda, do you really mean all that?” he asked, and it was really the only thing he could ask.

Komaeda’s smile widened, and maybe he wavered. Maybe. _Maybe_...

“When you leave, make sure you’re presentable.” He twisted open the door, waving his hand. “I’ll see you, Hinata-kun.”

And with that, Komaeda shut it tightly behind him.

Sighing heavily, Hinata ran tense fingers through his hair and buried his face into his hands, shaking as he pressed his palms to his throbbing temples. Whatever glare he could send at that door faltered just as he attempted it and finally, he just shook his head.

_Komaeda, you really,_ really _...make me feel like I’m the worst._


End file.
